It's 3:10 am

Well, it's 3:10 am and i am awake, whilst the rest of the world slumbers in peaceful sleep, a state to which i hope to attain in approximately 4 hours and 45 minutes. Not that i'm counting, cause i'm not, but i thought i would just mention that in passing. I am sitting here, surrounded by the low murmurs of conversation of my co-workers, the hum of the noisy med room fridge and the lure of a box of Smarties which are doing their best to coax me to eat them, and not the healthy choice of my apple in my lunchbag in the fridge down the hall. Hmmm... i wonder which food will win? Knowing my choices lately, it will be the Smarties far and away the winners. Sad really. I have been knowing in my head that i need to do something about my weight, and i know that no one else can do it for me and i love to blame everything else but myself for that problem, but there are no good excuses in the end, are there? I know i have to say no to the goodies and extra servings and unhealthy food, but i know also that over the last two weeks, being on permanent nights and living in a very unrealistic world, that food which is quick and convenient is the type of sustenance which wins my approval.... a quick bun, a piece of leftover pizza, cookies.... aarrrgghhh, sometimes, i wish i would just betake myself off to a retreat in the woods somewhere, go on a starvation diet and see what happens.... i'd probably find a way to make cookies out of pine bark or grass or something like that.... though creativity is definitely not my strong point at all.... sometimes i despair of ever doing anything meaningful in my life... i work, i eat(too much), i sleep (too much also sometimes, last week between nights i was so totally dysfunctional that i wasn't fit to be around decent human beings) and procrastinate with the best of them. Yep, that's probably one of my worst faults, procrastination... putting off today what can be done tomorrow or the day after and covering up my putting off habits with a multitude of cleverly crafted excuses to make others believe i'm better than i am.... oh boy, i had probably better stop soon but sometimes i just feel i need to release all the pent-up frustrations inside me before i boil over, burst or decide to head for the hills in a desparate attempt to avoid all responsibility and such....