Open Wide

So, what did you spend your afternoon doing? Nice things like sitting by the fireside with a lovely cuppa hot chocolate.... ice fishing.... stealing stopsigns (as people in our neighbourhood are prone to doing apparently)... reading a good book.... working at your job wondering how long it will be until you can save up enough money to go on another trip somewhere exotic, warm and sandy? Well, let me tell you bout my afternoon. You see, apparently, i haven't been brushing my teeth good enough lately... and have ended up with two rather troublesome areas on the teeth in my lower right jaw, cavities to be precise (doesn't the word cavity make you think of a large black hole in the ground, bottomless and looming?). I think dentists use those kind of words to intimidate their poor clients. I usually pride myself on being a fairly meticulous tooth brusher, having been complimented by my dentist in years past for having such clean and lovely teeth, so this whole episode is a bit of an ego-blow. I diligently follow the old gradeschool rhyme of "up like the flowers, down like the rain, back and forth like a choo-choo train" whilst i pass my toothbrush over my pearlies. But alas and alack, it seems my technique has faltered and now, before me, loomed this appointment. 3:00. D.Day. I steeled myself to the impending task and reluctantly betook myself to the dentist's realm. She (or rather one of three resident dentists, who normally only come into the cleaning appointment after the hygienist is done, for about all of a 2.47 seconds, enough to ask you to open your mouth, say awww and poke around very studiously with one of those little metal probey things and then leave you spluttering in your chair, astonished that because of this split second visit, hundreds of precious, hard earned pesos would soon be flying out of your pocket into his high-class office, with leather couches in the waiting rooms that i can't afford for myself which i think maybe secretly one day i should send a moving crew up there and tell them to take the couch that we paid for with orthodontic work for my very own) greeted me with needle in hand, eager to begin freezing the next victim in a diabolical plot designed to convince innocent Hamiltonians that they really need to endure these types of torture in order that they may have healthy teeth. She donned her mask, pried my mouth open and the games began. There was an enormous amount of freezing placed into my poor tongue and cheek(heehee, tongue in cheek... sorry) and soon there was no feeling at all. Instead what lay before her was a helpless victim, too slobbering and numb to object in any sort of reasonable manner. The plot thickened. A retractor was placed in my mouth to hold it open and then a sort of toothy tarp thing was placed in my mouth, rendering me completely unable to talk, breathe or swallow I was thinking to myself the whole time, "I'm very happy that i haven't got a cold today otherwise this would be a very difficult job indeed". Indeed, i thought a variety of thoughts whilst pinned into my chair. "I hope i don't have a chin hair sticking out", and "i hope my nose is clean" and "why did i book this appointment after having worked a night, i'm likely to fall asleep in this chair and start snoring and drooling and make a complete fool of myself." The latter thought was banished, however, when i realized that i already looked like a fool and i wasn't likely to fall asleep with the annoying noise of the buzz saw echoing through my ears. Okay, not a buzz saw, but that whine that sounds like a summer nighttime mosquito that you can't quite find and swat and who flies around your head annoying the snot out of you.

It always sounds like you are having your entire jawline ground away and you will come around at the end of the procedure with the dentist saying "oops, now you need dentures. Sorry." I also was not so comforted by her under the breath murmurings of "i think that will be fine." I don't need you to say "you think", you surely should "know for sure". With a mouth full of metal, chemicals and rubber, it was difficult to object, but secretly inside, a major urge to jump out of the chair, rip the hardware out and cower in a corner of the room, rocking back and forth and repeating "no more, no more" in a pathetic little tone of voice became a more and more appealing alternative. I stifled that feeling with imagery. I felt like i was going all "new age" on myself, a scary idea, but as the office normally has trickling water music and birdies singing playing on the P.A., i felt perhaps that the chi of the place was getting to me. So i spent the entire time trying to imagine myself in England, reexperiencing some of the things and places we had been to and trying my utmost to remember exactly what we smelt and felt and did. I made it all the way to Oxford by the time the dentist let up her infernal racket of drilling and released me from my bondage. Unfortunately for me, my mouth was still heavily frozen and i have spent the last four and a half hours attempting not to bite my cheek and tongue as those parts of my mouth seemed to creep involuntarily in between my teeth. Such a funny feeling being all frozen up. As i wiped the drool from the corner of my mouth, and paid my bill with weeping and gnashing of teeth, i was thankful that i would not have to see this place for another nine months.

As i sit here now, the freezing has finally worn off, my gums and tongue are still in one piece and the pain is starting to kick in now, a dull sort of achy feeling like someone has given my poor jaw a good kick. So i think i'll meander off to the bathroom to seek out some drugs to aid in the fight against discomfort. Tira.