An Unbeelievable Epic Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a far-away land, in the Kingdom of Glove, there was a story. An epic story to be sure. A tale of far-off places, daring sword fights, magic spells and a prince in disguise... wait a minute, that's the story of Beauty and the Beast... Okay, start again... A tale of battle, of bravery and of bees. Bees?? What's that you say? Yep, bees. Beelieve it or not! Okay, tell me all about it.
The brave knight who lived in the Kingdom of Glove lived in a wonderful castle... it had an Upstairs and a Downstairs, and in the Downstairs level, there lived two fair maidens. Their names were Drusilla and Anastasia... wait, wait, wait... nope that's Cinderella! Okay, their names were Darina and Canielle.

These maidens toiled each day at their respective jobs, having yet to be swept off their dainty feet by Prince Charming One and Two, who apparently were off slaying dragons in outer Mongolia and had no time for such romantic pursuits as seeking their One True Love. Be that as it may, these maidens went to college, got their education and now were a vital part of the local workforce, seeking to mingle with the commoners and do what they could to further the educational and health status of their community.

(we pause now for a commercial break. We bring you a word from our sponsors. Use Dove Soup, oops, Soap, it leaves your skin feeling feathery soft. And now back to our gripping story! - all voiced in a very enthusiastic commentatorish voice)

Now one day, the fair maidens noticed that the local population of the apian variety seemed to be especially present right outside their portal. They noticed it so much that in fact they were scared for their lives as the monster bees seemed to be aggressive and delighted in chasing them hither and yon, forcing them to assume very unladylike postures as they dove into their chariots and conveyed themselves away to their places of employment. They discussed the dilemma over a cold coffee that evening and decided that they would seek the protection of the brave knight who dwelt in the Upstairs. Darina and Canielle pleaded with the brave knight to rescue them from this winged terror. He naturally did what any noble knight who has taken the handy dandy training course would do... as per Chapter 78, page 459, he carefully removed from his toolkit the weapon of choice to deal with these beests! He would make his hero, Red Green, proud. A strip of duct tape soon covered the dwelling holes of the waspish little creatures. Hah! The enemy was conquered!

But alas and alack, when Canielle and Darina emerged from their dwelling early the next morn, they were again confronted by swarms of slightly enraged little critters who had spent the knight hours gnawing away at the tape and had now full access to their homes again. The maidens again were forced to race to their chariots, robes flying and luscious locks trailing behind them as they went. "Oh brave knight, please defend us!" they pleaded. The knight, seeing that his initial plan had a few flaws, decided to head for his chemical weapon arsenal. He planned his Raid carefully! He donned his gas mask and sang in a droning but cheerful tone as he sprayed his winged foes. "The danger was now over, to be sure!" he assured his Downstairs dwellers.

But once more, as the sun rose over the hills and dales, unbeelievably, there came a loud humming and buzzing noise! The apian mob had once again taken to the skies, perhaps now chemically and genetically modified, but ready for war. Their ranks were drone up, their queen was at the ready and the nest was yet to come! So one more time, the giant's head began to nod, the giant's eyes began to close and the giant began to... Wait, wait, you are the worst story teller in the history of story telling... the situation amongst story tellers is getting very Grimm, i tell you! That's from Jack in the Beanstalk... or is it and the Beanstalk... i seem to recall it being read as "in" when i was younger, but my memory is no longer what it used to be... Anyways, i digress... back to our hero.

Sir Knight, the Beerave One, decided that all the stops would be pulled out and the buttons be pushed in and there would be "blood tonight!" (that's for all loyal PB fans out there!) He had his squire clad him in his best armour, readied his flint and steeled himself for action. (imaging epic movie score music of the John Williams variety playing in the background, causing the audience's inner psyche to be ready for the conflict!) "Brave maidens, open that door and wasp my back for me!" The maidens, quaking with fear, did as they were told and watched as the battle was joined! The brave knight lit his weapon of choice, a "Burn-a-Bee" propane torch and showed everyone that he was all he was cracked up to bee! He feinted and dodged, he spun and twirled, he was a blazing spark in the darkness of the swarm of wasps. The maidens feared for his very life, but at last, in a fiery conflagration, the brave knight succeeded in his quest to conquer the wasps. Emerging with smoke smudges on his noble face, he rocked a little on his feet as he murmured his battle cry, "I am now Lord of the Bees!" (no literary licence was taken with that utterance... our knight lost his licence somewhere on the battlefields of the south and so cannot be held responsible for any offense caused by assuming that title!)

So the lovely maidens of the Kingdom of Glove, Darina and Canielle, were freed from their torment and anguish by the brave Knight of the Blowtorch! Freedom had been returned to their cozy nest and they lived happily ever after.

The End

p.s. applications for prince charming are still available at http://www.princapply.ca/